i'm supposed to be happy right?
guess everyone is moving on, but i can't move on. i keep thinking about ac. i keep thinking about the times in ac. it paralyzing me, i can't move on. i know everyone has adapted, but this is really hard for me.
there are times, that i feel so so alone. studying by myself on a saturday seems so foreign. walking ard everywhere by myself,keeping quiet for the whole day, is foreign. not being able to look forward to getting hugs from pple like esther and anna when the day is really bad is unbearable. not having van and dee explain entire concepts for me is foreign.

yes, candice and ying sze are very supportive and v. understanding and campus pple are nice, but i miss really really laughing at things instead of having to force myself to laugh because that's the only thing that keeps me from shuttting everyone else out.i hate the constant work thing. i hate my responsibilities. i hate that assignments keep flying at me like flies. i know others can handle it and sde is supposed to be really slack. cause i've compared my workload and its not that bad. i'm supposed to be happy right?

weren't dee, van and i excited about school? did that just disappear? i just wanna sleep without having to feel guilty? nvm. i'll get through this. 1 mnth more and i'll be free!

meeting weed on wed, van on thurs and dee and van today really cheered me up. it made me very high during lectures. i felt so excited to see them. in fact in all honesty i look forward to monday and thursday so i can have half an hour to see dee, van and mich. yes i know, i do sound very desperate. i haven't acted bimbotic and gossip about rubbish for a long time.i haven't laughed so hard that my face turns really really red. i haven't gushed about ___ hot guy for a long time. haha. sadly i have no eye-candy.... yet! but seeing them made all these possible. so yes, to weed, van and dee, THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO MY VERBAL DIArrohea and making my day!

school is okay la. maybe cause i get so stressed so easily. so a lil bit more homework appears like a lot. actually maybe its not a lot. i think NUS is quite competitive or that's what i feel. pple are not so willing to help u. because it is marked on a cumulative curve and to a certain extent, ur grade is relative to someone else. but i really dun want to live like that. i think if u share notes and remind each other more fun. if i want to do well, i hope my friends around me can also do well too. hehe

yes, i really agree with that phrase. for once in like 5 weeks, i finally felt like i was like smart and that feeling feels great. going for french lecture was yet again demoralizing and i kept asking my neighbour," eh what is she talking about. what is that?". not to mention i need excruciatingly badly for both my french tests! when everyone's grades were like close to full marks.hey, i am trying okay. but i have no affinity with languages. my french sounds more like malay than anything. yes and i have 2 oral tests! omg! someone help me!

anyway, i went for visualisation tut and i din feel so dumb!i actually understood what the lecturer was saying and i actually helped this viet girl who was clueless! i actually helped her draw an entire roof!the lecturer came over to mark her diagram and said " ur ROOF is looking nice!"(cough cough, hello, u mean MY ROOF!) and i helped this girl do dimensioning! seriously! it felt so GOOOOOOOOD!!!!! this is a great contrast compared to the 1st PF tut where my ogmate had to help me do everything!yes, helping has helped me. seriously, i feel so lost in school! i feel so helpless in school, cause i keep forgetting things and i keep doing stupid things.

E.G i went to the bus-stop and i met michelle. i asked her to help me hold it and then i pulled off the cap of my teacup and it spilt over her file and my shoes!(lucky she was there to ease my embarrassment) or the time, where i forgot which week my tut was and went on the wrong week.or the time i din know which tut class i was in and my lecturer wanted us to get into sub-grps in the lecture hall. or the time, where i wanted to change my ans to a test and my eraser flew off the table!

i need to help pple to make myself feel smart. that is quite a weird thought, but seriously! its very true. ky is once again happy! cheap happiness, but its okay! its enough! sometimes, i look forward, to going for statistics lecture cause i get about half an hour of seeing dee, van, mich! if i am lucky sometimes, tb and ky. and on a very lucky day, my hot doctor. hahaha. eye-candies keep me happy!haha. think that was the incentives of going to AC sometimes. science feels so homely!

i know i should really learn to let go.but its really difficult. 3 departures.not a lot i know, but those who know me know that i get really emotionally attached to a person and practically everything holding some memory. ah!!!!!!

i came home feeling quite glad and stuff but somehow, that rush of happiness seems to have died down... sort of. i dunno, but i miss them already. at times, u just want to go out with comfort friends, where u can just go out and feel really relaxed w/o having to think of what to say next. friends who u know won't say things to hurt u or friends who will forgive u over and over again no matter what u say or friends where u truly can be urself( even if the bad you). aiya.

i don't want to socialize and find new friends again. yes, i am feeling particularly ANTI-SOCIAL(though this is really the wrong time to feel that way). hiya.

anyway, i reckon since i haven't blogged for a tremendously long time, i should just update where i am going and stuff.

School-to-be: NUS Real estate( yes! there is a course like that in NUS. its school of design and environment and its behind engineering and a street away from FASS.)

activities in the last 2mnths: went for a long holiday with family, followed by a holiday to bangkok with freeloaders.at present moment bumping around the house and growing really gargantuan.SNIFF!=(

shout out: if my campus happens to be near ur campus, come find me! i think i am going to be lonely in such a big school. hiyo.

Sometimes, i wish i could keep my good friends forever in singapore, so we can do retarded things tog and chill out shopping or stuff. but i know that, its very selfish. i guess what weeded said was right." as long as they are happy, we should be happy for them! "
i know that the friends that we have made, will always be friends. though, sometimes we may feel as if we don't know the changes taking place in our friend's lives. but, we must trust their judgement and we must have faith in our friendship. yes pals, i will try to have faith.

after careful consideration, i have decided to be nicer. so from now onwards, i am going to try to be less judgemental and have more faith in pple!

to be honest, i am quite worried about uni life. how if i have no friends in real estate? how if i still feel empty? how if i get lost in school?argh

really am so sick of people telling me what i should i do. "you shouldn't be emotionally attached" " do you always need me to teach you what to do""you are so chicken, you don't dare to do anything". feel as if people keep expecting me to be something that maybe am not. how if i just want to be myself.so sick of having to justify myself and explain everything.really feel that i am losing who i am. feel as if i am turning into something i am not. at times how i wish cld go back to past, where everything was simple. ironic isn't it? when we're in school, we whine about how life would be so much simpler without it. but when we're not in school, we can't wait to run back.

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